This year is about to end in 14 days, and so many things have happened throughout this year. It’s my second year in PhD program and thankfully I passed the qualification exam in February. Before the exam, I was unsure about the research topic and nervous that dissertation committee would see it as too simple research topic. Thankfully, though, they accepted my research proposal and one of the examiner even said it was an interesting idea.
Still from research and study, this year has made me learned a lot of thing. That things can go wrong even if we have prepared it well. That the result might not be as we expected and we have to repeat the procedure once more. That even though we have done the procedure in the past, we need to re-learn it again, especially if it has been too many years since we did it last time. I am grateful that this year I was accompanied by a lab partner, an undergraduate student who have helped me a lot in this research (yes, I am talking about you, my dearest Kurnia).
I also learned that apparently, I have to deal with unresolved trauma issue during this PhD thing. There were a lot of triggers that lifted up the unprocessed trauma. At first, I wasn’t really aware about it, but the fear that consumed me was not normal. It was too big to be something that can be dismissed easily. Fortunately, I remembered that there was one issue that hasn’t been processed yet in psychotherapy. About me and my struggle in academic setting. Since at the moment I am back again in academia as a student, the fear came again and it was hard on me. Thankfully, a friend of mine suggested me to consult with a psychologist from her town (we do it online). I have been talking to him for 5-6 months now and the progress is good. I can untangle my thoughts and look at things with fresh perspectives. I understand that my fear was based on the childhood trauma and I am actually safe this time. I just need to focus on my work and focus on the concept of learning from mistakes. It is okay to make mistakes, as long as I learn from them.
Once again I am grateful that along this journey, I have so many friends and acquaintances who support me. I have received so many positive messages, good thoughts, and advices. I have those who reached out to me when my days were too dark for me to think clearly. Around June-August, I think it was one of my darkest time this year. I kept thinking I wanted to hurt myself, but once again, thankfully, I reached out to my friends and they helped me see the light again. They helped me breathe. Then when a big problem appeared in my life, that made me so hopeless about my study, about my life, they also helped me to anchor, to find my footing.
What surprised me was due to the big problem aforementioned, my relationship with my parents got better. Way much better. I feel more love and compassion toward them. I feel I can get close to them. This happened during the hardest time of my life, and I think it was also happened due to encouragement by someone special in my life. Someone who makes me want to be better person. And by better person, not only for my own sake, but also for my family, too. I guess it is time for me to reconciliate with my family. I mean, really reconciliate. Really trying to get close and love them. Really trying to be more compassionate toward them.
This year has been a learning year for me. Learning to be patient with the journey, with all obstacles that came in front of me. Learning to be more kind to myself, especially when I made mistakes, when things didn’t go well, or as what I wanted. Learning to open up to any opportunities. Learning to let go. Learning that when opportunities were not on my side, I have to be ikhlas. I have to accept that life can fuck me all the way it wants, but I still have to move forward. I still have to get better. I still have to finish this journey.
I am grateful that despite the hardships I have experiences this year, despite of the disappointment I felt early this year, I can end this year with a smile. I can end this year with a gratitude. I can end this year with love and compassion. Another milestone has been reached. More to come. I hope I can always find the spirit to continue this journey. And to those who have helped and supported me through this year, thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Brain Maze 