When your opinion is thrown back to your face

When you come into a realization that every opinion you have ever spoken out will be thrown back to your face in the future, you will learn not to speak out your mind. Even though you want to scream out loud, you will learn to hold your tongue, and grind your teeth. You will also train yourself to have a poker face.

In the beginning, each time it happens you will try to seek solitude in the convenience of the bedroom, bathroom, or anywhere else. You will release the anger you keep deep within. Screaming, punching, banging your head on the wall. Anything you could do as a anger release. But after some time, you just won’t have that kind of anger anymore. The anger you have (when your opinion was being thrown to your face) will be vaporized as fast as the carbondioxide that left your lungs. You will only be sitting down, and taking deep breath for several times. Breathe in, breathe out. You will admit to yourself, that you, once again, lost the battle.

You’re a defeated soul. You’re broken. A zombie in disguise. You will live as days pass by. You will function accordingly. You will look as normal just like another person. And you think that you are normal. You’re smiling (a big smile will be plastered on your face), you will laugh out loud, you will be looked as a strong, dependable person. At times like that, you would think that you are normal, you think you’re okay inside. But once in a while, you will realize, you are as empty as an unused casket. Sometimes you heart will be warmed by the presence of love, of affection, of kindness. But soon the warmness you feel will turn back into constant coldness. Because love fades away, affection will change into boredom or hate, kindness is something is never a permanent thing. That coldness you felt inside, it will never go away. It always be back. It will always haunt you for the rest of your life. It will make you be a suspicious person. Waiting for the moment when you’re opinion is going to be thrown back to your face.

Then… you will be tired. Tired of being a zombie. What will you do when you feel so exhausted? Who’s gonna save you from the darkness? Who’s gonna warm your heart permanently? Who will you trust?


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