Life

Dear Diary

“Dear Diary”. Remember that? We used to use those words, perhaps some of us still use that phrase while writing our journal. I, myself, started writing journal since I was in elementary school, at 4th grade I think. I don’t remember much of it because I burned all my diaries I wrote while I was in elementary-secondary schools period.

Some people say that writing journal is good to release one’s emotion and thought. I do enjoy reading published live journals of some people, but I hate, really hate, reading my own journals. It’s like opening Pandora Box. I still remember the feeling I felt when I read those writings I made (not just journals, also short stories, novels, and writings I made), I wanted to kill myself. I was embarassed to the core. So I burned the journals, I deleted the files in the computer. I threw away the evidence of my life (which doesn’t really matter, as I can still remember vividly the embarassing moments happened to me or the fool decision I took).

But (as always, there’s a ‘but’ in everything), my bestfriend, Danz, pointed out to me that it’s important to write a journal. No matter how embarrassing things happened in one’s live. Later, perhaps one can learn from what happened. It got me thinking about myself. Maybe the reason why I resented the journals I’ve written then burned all of them was because I was not ready to learn who I am. I was not ready to accept myself. I was inside a bubble where I built an impossible dream that I have to be a perfect human. That’s why I was ashamed reading my own thought, my own writing. I was ashamed of how imperfect I am. I was ashamed of myself who had made mistakes. I wasn’t ready to accept that I am a human who is allowed to make mistakes. I wasn’t ready to admit mistakes I’ve made.

I am writing a journal again, not just about daily life, but also my thoughts. I even tried to write a letter for myself in the future (found the website through one of my friend). It feels good. I’m still not sure that I am ready to accept myself, that I won’t be ashamed when I read again what I’ve written, but I’m willing to try once more. It isn’t just about documenting my life, but to release my emotion. I found out that after writing, I felt better. I don’t have to write everyday, but I have to write things that’s I consider important.

And maybe one day I can accept myself, my mistakes, my life. Maybe one day I am ready to face who I really am. Maybe one day I will say, “It’s okay to make mistakes.”

And what better ways to learn oneself except from one’s journal?

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